You get married and you are supposed to gain a new family. If you are lucky they are indeed in-laws and you ride off into the sunset together. If you get unlucky, they are outlaws.
I have experienced two sets of in-laws due to being married twice. My varying experience with in-laws can be compared to traveling in First Class vs. the Cargo hold and as you know...I do not cope well behind the curtain. One in-law experience was loving and welcoming. The other experience resulted in therapy, minimal contact and a pretty big strain on my marriage. I was young on both occasions when they came into my life. 24 the first time and 31 the second time. About the age of my two oldest children so it has become even more relevant for me as they have hit the age I was...then.
Naturally, in-laws is a frequent topic when I kiki with my girlfriends. Most of us have a harrowing tale or two and some got lucky, so lucky. My kids are 28, 24 and 17 years old so hopefully I will get to be a Mother-in-Law at some point. Due to my own experiences, I have put quite a bit of thought into what I need to work on to not repeat what I had to endure. Some of my character defects give me pause when it comes to being a MIL so here is what I am working against in no particular order:
I have a lot of opinions. I will have to curtail these in order to not be overbearing. My favourite MIL never opined on anything unless I begged her to and then she opined with Barack Obama type of tact. She also informed my husband that if ever asked to opine on anything related to us, she would always be on my side. Hence, the biggest thing I am working on in general is opining less. It is hard.
My kids bring out the beast in me. I am not sure what will go down if someone hurt them badly as only spouses can. Will I be able to be Switzerland if that happens? I still have grudges against 12-year olds that were mean to my daughter in middle school. If I ran into them I would probably still eviscerate them verbally coupled with a side eye and feel no shame. I am that immature.
I REALLY like to spend time with my kids. I will have to learn to share them. One of my biggest projects is turning the MM property into 4-family compound. One where the goal is to be able to house all 3 kids with potential families in separate houses. I recognise the crazy magic chemistry required for that to actually become reality. My hope is that if we build it, they will come. But,I also have to build me in order to make that a possibility.
Hence, I am working on a list/guiding principles for myself and anyone else that needs it in a pre-emptive manner to prepare myself to be a good MIL:
My kid is wise and I trust his/her judgement. Whomever he/she chooses, I will grow to love and it is the right choice. This is their person and it will be my person also.
I will not accuse their partner of being in a cult and then double down when proved wrong. I will not. Ever.
I will not critique their partner’s clothing, beliefs or anything else related to their person. Not even if they wear stone-washed jeans. Not even then.
I will not give my opinions unless asked and then very carefully. Like Barack would.
I will make myself available but not place demands on their time.
I will not make the same mistakes with my grandkids (if my children chooses to have them) that I made with them, I will have worked on my shit before then.
I will respect and abide by their parenting. Their parenting choices is none of my business.
My sarcasm is an acquired taste, tread accordingly and break their partner in gently.
I recognise that I am training for one of the most important roles in my life. There truly should be a Master Class on this. Since none of my kids seems to be close to settling down, I thankfully have time to hone my skills. I would love to hear your worst/best in-law stories either in the comments or in a PM if you need to protect the guilty. If you have walked before me as a MIL or FIL, give me your best tips! To my kids: print this list out. I probably will need to be reminded, especially on Christmas Eve when I am in the "awful zone".
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