"Parenting 20-Somethings"

I was 31 when I became a parent to two amazing kids, aged 5 and 9 years old. They were grieving, they had lost their Mom the year before. I knew nothing about kids. Nothing. I took the academic approach and read a ton of parenting books. I became an active poster on parenting threads. I tried to get up to speed quickly since I was scared shitless that I would mess them up.  That is the thing though, as parents we are not immune to messing up. We mess up. We mess up a lot. It is what happens after that matters.

Now I am in a different phase with 2/3 of my kids. Parenting kids in their twenties in some regards is harder than when they were 10. So, I am taking the academic approach again. Listening to Pods, going to therapy myself and trying to take accountability for the mistakes I did make when they were younger.

Our family is not a cookie cutter one. It is blended and other external factors at times made it messy. Their mess made us tighter but some of that was pure trauma bonding especially for me and my daughter. We were so close that sometimes it was hard to separate when she began and I ended. When she went away to University we both had to work really hard on lovingly separating. She needed to fly on her own and I needed to let her. It was really hard. At times I felt like I abandoned her by giving her space and letting her make her own mistakes. I would literally write "don't call Wendela today" in my calendar.

My daughter is an amazing 28-year old and I love the adult she has become, we are finding our way as Mother and Daughter for this stage of our relationship. I have had to work on not being the “fixer”, because I want her to have everything and more. I have needed to trust that she will make good choices. All predictive analytics point to that she will.

In Sweden there is a saying, “small children bring small worries and big kids bring bigger worries”. I agree with that adage, the stakes in parenting are so much higher now than when they were little. As Gen-Xers and Boomers we are also a different breed and certainly influenced by our own parents. At times, it is hard to find the sweet spot. Teaching them to have grit in a gentler way than we were taught was a challenge.

Since early February I have consulted a US-based company in their start up phase. The founder is 26 years old and I find myself making recommendations that make sense for the business but with a heavy sprinkle of parenting. I know I am not his parent but without meaning to, I realise I am trying to transfuse the wisdom I did not have at that age in order for him to avoid some landmines. Wouldn't it be swell if he did not have to make all the same mistakes that I did at that point in my career? But maybe he needs to.

Even in this situation I have to watch myself in order to find that mentoring balance.

Here are some Pods that have given me pause, tips and giggling from recognition!

“13 Things I Wish I knew in my Twenties” by Mel Robbins. Wow, this one was amazing. I wish I had heard it in my twenties. It also reminded me how hard that time was and reminded me to give my kids more grace. Great listen if you have kids in this age group, will have kids in this age group or if you want to ease up on your own self retrospectively.

“Lisa Damour (on the emotion of teenagers)”-Armchair Expert Dax Shephard

I have one teenager still at home and as parent I often struggle with “is this normal teenage angst or is it something else?”. Great Pod with an expert on teenagers that spells out when you need to worry and when you do not. She also has own Podcast.